10/ “Voices”

 Bart could feel a headache coming on. The lizard had departed the swag, which made it a lot more comfortable, but now she stood directly outside of it and was yelling in his head.

It sounded much like how his mother would scold him when he had been a little boy, and possibly because of that, he did not wish to hear it. He was pleased about one thing though, because the scolding and shouting was not directed at him.

It was directed at the man he now knew was called “Splendid”.

Splendid had indeed been close by, just as the lizard had thought He poked his head through the swag’s “doorway”, which had been rather rude in Bart’s opinion, took one look at him and the half-naked woman the lizard had been portraying at that moment and started laughing. He’d laughed so hard, bits of the blue suit began to fall off.

Then the man had stood up, looked down at himself, said in a very sad voice, “I’m molting” and had flown onto the lowest branch of the closest tuart, somehow, and started making strange peeping sounds – which, to Bart’s overtired and extremely agitated mind, was very disturbing indeed.

That had been when the shouting started.

You know better than to be up at this time of night you are a day creature not a night one why do you think I made you this colour you shouldn’t be this colour now anyway it’s the wrong time of year and where are your women question mark the lizard yelled in his head. She began to get larger at rather a rapid pace that Bart’s eyes could not keep up with. Her tiny hands, which were attached to extremely small legs, were waving about madly and trying to pull Splendid down from the branch he had alighted upon.

Don’t touch me, you old bag, Splendid said. I don’t even know you. You’re way too old to be my mum, and I’ve never seen you before in my life. Where’s the younger one? She’s much nicer and feeds me insects and stuff and this is honestly the first time I have seen you, so what do you expect me to do when you’re chatting up some caucasian-ish looking man in a tiny tent made for one?

Don’t you dare speak about him like that you, you, you bloody BIRD I made you Why aren’t you sleeping Everyone knows miniature wrens should sleep at night time and look at you grown up and larking about like some relevant object I don’t even know what I am saying who took my worms question mark I have no legs. Look Bart I am taking breaths.

‘Congratulations,’ muttered Bart.

Thank you see he understands what I’m trying to do what is wrong with you creatures I didn’t make you to be like this exclamation mark

My wives will beat you up like the wrinkly old lizard woman you are, you huge and not very pleasant meanie. Do not touch my branch with your teeny tiny arms, or I will peck you to death.

Bart wondered how the man would do that, when he, very obviously, did not have a beak. ‘I need something to eat. I’m way past my expiry date,’ he said quietly. Perhaps if he pulled his beanie back down over his head, everyone would go away and he could get some sleep.

Who’s that? The very feminine voice came from behind the tent. Ah HA! Found yourself another girlfriend, have you. Three isn’t enough is it? Look, girls, he’s chatting up some behemoth with no arms and legs. We’re really hitting the bottom of the river bed now.

The sound of three sets of footsteps came from both sides of Bart’s swag.

You’re kidding me. I was just about to go and get ready to lay a freakin’ egg and sit on it all winter and–

Oh stop lying, Elfie, everyone knows we don’t start the egg thing until Springtime.

Isn’t it springtime yet?

No. It’s autumn. Look, pull your feathers up and go and get Splendid off that branch before he breaks it. If he does that, there’ll be hell to pay, let me tell you, and wow, who is that huge and ludicrous creature with the really big yellow eyes?

I’m your mother you wren exclamation mark What is wrong with you avians can’t you see it’s nighttime who taught you all it was okay to be awake right now, don’t you know an owl could get you question mark do I have to do everything myself fullstop breath.

‘Right, that’s it.’ Bart stood up, then realised he was still in the swag. ‘Okay, that didn’t work.’ The five creatures now standing on the slope (three of them looking almost identical in their brown bomber jackets and blue jeans)  all stopped shouting and turned to stare at him. ‘Give me a minute,’ Bart growled. ‘I’m coming out, and I’m not happy.’

OoOOOooooh, said Splendid. Oh stop it, you’re scaring me. He grinned.

The lizard stood even taller. Not as much as I’ll be scaring you boyo oh look at me I must have swallowed an irishman at some point I wonder when that was it certainly wasn’t in the last seventy years or so. How could I have oh look Bart I breathed again oh I know what happened. She sat on her rather long tail, which curled like a spring underneath her. Never mind, long story, don’t worry I’m sure he was found later on. She blinked.

Bart noticed, rather belatedly he had to admit, that the lizard had three sets of eyelids. ‘Wow,’ he said as he scrambled out of the swag on all fours. ‘Does that make you a mammal?’

What question mark. The lizard shrunk slightly and looked at him with its great golden eyes.

‘You have three sets of eyelids. Did you know that? I wonder how many creatures have three sets of eyelids. I know cats do. And ravens. Maybe it’s a warm blooded thing.’ Bart scratched his head. ‘I don’t know too much about three sets of eyelids. What I do know though, is I am absolutely positive now that you’re not some kind of snake.’

I am pretty sure I told you that said Splendid, who had formerly been known as Superb. Don’t you remember me saying that she was not exactly a snake, I told you that, you moron. Wow. Nobody listens anymore. He turned back and looked at the lizard. Okay, I know who you are, and I know we are related but you shouldn’t be awake. You are possibly my great great great and a lot more, grandmother, which also makes you kind of his – he nodded at Bart – great great great and a lot more grandmother as well, which, when you think about it, might be pretty awkward if anything happened. Of course, he added quickly,  the relativity of that relationship is so lost in time it hardly matters anymore so if you did happen to get up to any weird and wonderful magical rumpy-pumpy business, then good for you and I don’t want to hear anymore about it because it kind of reminds me about hearing Dad help Mum make those eggs that time when I hadn’t quite left the nest early enough, but you know, I was a late starter, so there’s that.

‘Please stop talking,’ said Bart. ‘And whatever it is you mob are fighting about, could you take it somewhere else, try not to get eaten by owls, and… whatever. I’d like to get some sleep.’

You heard him isn’t he beautiful come on you little bastards I’m taking you back to the wattle bushes and in the morning you can all have some floating insects which I’ll make just for you and then Splendid can do some of his wonderful aerial acrobatics for you and everyone will be happy fullstop breath, Let’s go. 

(Just as a little aside here, thank you Delta, I thought it was Let’s go jogging, and I just heard someone think they thought it was Let’s go shopping. We do know, now, it was Let’s go, Jump In… at least, I think that’s what it is. I’m not allowed to look it up.)

Bart didn’t wait to see what they did next. He went back to bed.

As the voices got quieter he heard someone say He should be a naturalist or something

No, someone else replied, a naturalist is someone who looks at plants and animals. He should be a nudist.

No, a third voice interrupted. That is quite wrong. A nudist is someone who doesn’t wear clothes. He should be a… what’s a dictionary?

Is this a magic question and do I need a wand?

What’s a wand?

No idea.

Someone should look this up. They were definitely heading off down the track now. If I knew what looking something up meant, that’d be great.

Shush. I think I hear an owl.

Blessed silence, thought Bart, tucking himself into his sleeping bag. At last.