Waking up at three-thirty am was not something Hans had planned. Waking up with a tail and in a cold sweat was not something he had anticipated so, when he got up and sat out the back of his house on the long verandah and studied the extremely wide and open night sky over his back fence, he wondered if he should go back to bed.

The tail swishing through the gap in the rear of his chair told him it wouldn’t be happening anytime soon. He decided to make a coffee and listen to what (he assumed) the lizard had to say.

Very well then, the lizard said (at least he thought it was the lizard) I am not going to make it easy for you because we simply will not get along if you think I am going to tell you the meaning of life because this is not why I’m here fullstop In three hours time the sun will come up and you will go for the first run you have had in six months comma possibly consider freshly made butter from a cow might be a thing and then wonder if you have made a terrible mistake remaining in the restaurant business.

‘That’s just great,’ Hans muttered into his coffee.

I told you we wouldn’t get along, the lizard replied. Bet you don’t care much for my voice in my head now do you pretty man.

My voice in my head? he thought.

I do not distinguish between you and me I am the lizard and this is what we do when are you going to be a real man Hans and remember what you were meant to be considering from all that time ago question mark.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

Maybe if we actually speak to the okay you called her a yank well that must be a thing okay well when are we going to talk about why you haven’t hired her yet comma this is what you are meant to be doing three weeks has gone by and you are too comfortable being back in a restaurant do you even know what’s happening with your other restaurants how come you haven’t hired the American woman yet dearly beloved we are gathered here today oh I am singing isn’t this lovely

‘How do I turn you off,’ asked Hans seriously.

How can you even ask that question you are a dog now didn’t you know dogs hear everything I wonder if the American woman has a demonic beast inside her shall we find out or do you just want to think about why you are even thinking about her in the first place question mark

‘I have not been thinking about the American woman,’ replied Hans.

Obviously, which is one of your favourite words and I am going to teach you how to use commas because I learnt them from Bart, And fullstops because people need to breathe who knew. Obviously, this might take some time. Obviously you have been thinking about the American woman or I wouldn’t be telling me this

Hans stood up, dragging his tail behind him. ‘Obviously I need to go for a run now.’

It’s still dark, said the lizard.

‘Then I’ll run in the dark,’ said Hans grumpily.

Obviously, said the lizard.

Somewhere during his run, Hans contemplated becoming ‘an athlete, a gymnast, a model, an actor or a priest. He didn’t realise he’d said it out loud until much later in the day, which was around the time the American woman came into the restaurant and the words came back to haunt him.

That was when he decided he should have been a priest, and he didn’t know why.

She was wearing a skirt.

Hans decided, at that very moment, skirts should always be very long, at least ankle length, and not in the least bit showing any skin. Then he wondered if he should have been thinking about changing his religion because this did not seem to be something he would normally be thinking. Then he thought about the fact he didn’t really have a religion so why had he been considering being a priest?

She smiled.

Hans remembered what the lizard had said about hiring her and that was when he realised why he should have been a priest. He did not have relationships with anyone he worked with, ever, and this looked like it would be a very long day indeed, because apparently that’s why she’d turned up.

‘Hello again,’ she said.

He sighed. She remembered him. Well, this was just great. The last time he’d seen her, if he remembered correctly, he’d been reaching for … No Hans, no, we don’t think about these things.

‘How can I help you,’ he asked and high-fived himself mentally.

The restaurant was not packed, because it was just after noon, and no one else was there except the waiter behind him who seemed to be chortling quietly to herself which made no sense whatsoever, until he realised he was scratching his arse. Dammit.

She, not being the waiter but the woman in the skirt which was not long enough, held out a manilla folder and smiled again. ‘I was wondering if you guys had any work going? I haven’t had much luck lately. I learn quickly, so if you have something, anywhere at all, I would really appreciate you considering looking at my resume. Please.’

Hans considered this. He possibly considered it for a little too long without saying anything because the woman’s smile began to look a little strained and the waiter had apparently left the building.

‘Sorry,’ he said politely. ‘But …’

‘What can you do,’ said Fennel from behind him. ‘We do have a couple of positions available, and Hans, as you can see, is a bit rusty in the old, “Welcome to our restaurant” business. Give me your resume and we’ll have a chat in the …’ He paused and looked at Hans. ‘Can we use your office, mate?’

‘Sure,’ said Hans.

The woman looked at him, mouthed, “Your office? ” in such a way that he tried not to smile, and he did not look at her parting bottom once as she wandered off with Fennel.

‘Fucking Fennel,’ he mumbled.

Then he went and found the the waiter, who happened to be hiding in the kitchen with the kitchen hands, sent her back into the dining room, and went out the back to look at the skip bin for the next half an hour.

to be continued.